This is by no means a comprehensive list. Please feel free to add your own items in the comments.
(WordPress has suggested yet another awesome picture to add that has little to do with this blog post, but I find it hilarious.)
- Shopping. For anything. When shopping with a small person, it requires extra equipment like carseats and strollers and snacks and diapers and toys and you end up packing as much for a 15 minute run to the store as you would for a hike in the Andes just because you forgot curry powder, despite the fact it was on the list the first time you went to the store.
- Reading a book. When you sit down to read a book and your child has recently learned to pull themselves up, you will all of a sudden have a tiny wet hand (wet from what, you may never figure out) smack in the middle of the page you were reading and possibly have that page forcibly removed. I didn’t really need to know what Doug was doing anyway.
- Drinking or eating. If you are eating, your tiny person will want to know what you’re doing and if she can have some. Since her vocabulary skills are not up to par, she will most likely just try to grab whatever you’re eating, either off your fork, off your plate or try to dig it out of your mouth if she can reach. Don’t feel like sharing? Be prepared for her air raid siren scream. Drinking a cocktail? Make sure it’s in a sippy cup, because when you look away, that nicely mixed drink is going to get spilled all over everywhere and have fun explaining why your kid smells like gin.
- Trying to write a blog. Anything with keys (and really anything you’re doing that doesn’t involve them) is the most fascinating thing in the world to them. They want what you have and god help you if you try to continue what you’re doing and ignore them. Chuck has this new thing where she bends herself in half backwards, scrunches her eyes shut and wails like an ambulance. Obviously, she doesn’t check behind her before she does this, so I’ve been googling “how many times can an infant hit their head on the coffee table before you need to start worrying about brain damage”.
- Taking a shower. Used to be I could put her on the bathroom floor with a few toys and some cheerios and knock out a quick shower and be out before she started to scream. Now I’m lucky if I can get my hair wet before she’s got the toilet open and is throwing everything she can find in there, including my last pair of clean underpants and my cell phone.
- Doing the laundry. You get your clothes all sorted into piles, then you turn around to get the detergent and when you turn back around, there’s a tiny person in your piles. That would be all fine and dandy since you’re washing them anyway, but you better hope that nothing got stashed in those piles. Like a random ballpoint pen. Or your cell phone.
- Cooking. Hot pans + baby = bad bad idea. Even if your baby can’t reach the counters, there are still so many ways for this endeavor to go terribly terribly wrong. I had an incident where Chuck got into the cabinets while I was cooking and pulled out everything on the bottom shelf and then the dog ate it. In the middle of my recipe, I find out that half of the ingredients are now gone.
I’m sure I’ll find something else to add to this list. Right now, I have to go because guess who’s up….