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The post I wrote for Mamavation Monday a few weeks ago….was really hard for me to publish.
It’s one thing to write in my own little journal about being fat and how it feels living in sweatshirts and yoga pants and hiding behind other people in photos, and how painful it is for me to realize that nobody did this to this body but ME….but it’s another to take photos of my pale self and post them on the internet for everyone to see and comment on.
Like my high school friends. And people who knew me back in the day when I weighed 115 pounds.
But you know what?
It’s ok. It’s part of my healing process, and the more people I know have seen me at my worst (in shiny booty shorts and a sports bra, apparently), the more I’m compelled NOT to eat all day long, and not to bag off on a workout. And to stick with my diet and even tell you that I have only lost a pound in the past few weeks.
Taking my scale picture to send to Leah was really hard for me. I was disappointed in myself, I was horrified I was letting people down…I just wanted to eat something and make it all go away.
But I didn’t.
I worked out a lot…but I also snacked a lot. And I made some pretty crappy food choices. And I could have pushed myself more.
But I didn’t.
And if I told you I ate all of that crap in my daily food journals on Bookieboo and I faked losing weight this week, it would do me no good. And as a Mamavation Mom, it would do you no good.
Reminds me of an episode of House where a lady who’s a weight loss guru and pushed NOT having the stomach surgeries….turns out she had her stomach stapled or something.
She was putting on a mask, pretending to be someone she’s not.
And that’s part of my weight loss journey is not lying. Not pretending that I’m trying really hard when I’m not. Admitting that I fall down sometimes and that I’m not perfect.
But the biggest part that I have to hang on to is that I am no one else but me. This Mamavation Mom journey is mine, and nobody else’s. I cannot compare myself to other people, or I will lose every time.
And I’m in it to win it.
Bruises in the Frosting 
Apr 14, 2011 @ 10:26:45
I think we all have our down moments, that’s what makes us human. The trick is you know what you did and you admitted to it. You also stated you wanted to do better and I believe you will. Keep on doing what you’ve been and you’ll do awesome. BTW- you talked me into doing the Warrior Dash. Signing up this weekend. Now to train or something lol
Apr 14, 2011 @ 11:15:35
Good for you, Mia! In a world filled with lies, I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to see your transparency. It’s an inspiration! Weight loss is a long, hard, slow journey – but it will pay off in the end! I’m right there with you struggling – but I know even in the scale doesn’t reflect a change, measurements will eventually! Goodbye fat and hello muscle 🙂
Apr 14, 2011 @ 14:38:38
Sweetie, you have already won! You’ve had a revelation! THE revelation. The realization that food sneaked in private will show up in public, all calories count, and no amount of excuses or justification will burn them off for you. These aren’t mistakes you are just now making; you are seeing your old behavior through new, unclouded eyes.
You are no longer holding yourself accountable to anyone else but yourself, and that is all that really matters in the first place. I love you, doll. I’m so happy you are beginning to love yourself. ❤