CSA love

So we have been picking up our CSA box at the Bellingham Farmers Market for two weeks now, and the novelty just doesn’t wear off.

This week is still looking a little on the green side, but I’m totally geeked about doing something with all of this green.

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Your Mother Said So.

So there seems to be an epidemic of people apologizing for something they said on the internet and seeing as how I was in that same chair a few weeks ago (and yesterday too….whee!)…let me help y’all out.

I have some rules that I made back when I first got on the internet back in the mid-90’s when chat rooms were not nearly as fancy as they are now. As long as I’ve followed them, then I don’t piss off the people in the life I have when my iPhone is not attached to my hand, or my computer glued to my lap. (This life is also known as “reality”.)

I’ve amended them several times, with the invention of social media and leaving AOL….but without further ado, the rules you should follow if you use the internet ever (and do it, because your momma will thank you):

  1. If you wouldn’t say it directly to the person’s face, don’t put it on the internet. THIS INCLUDES EMAIL.
  2. Read what you post/email/tweet before you send it. Would you say this out loud into a megaphone in a crowd full of people?
  3. Don’t email/tweet/post angry. If you want to, write it out and put it in your draft folder. Calm down, and then re-write.
  4. Messenger is a horrible thing. Don’t use it unless you really have to. Instant communication is a great way to instantly tell someone you think they’re an asshole and then instantly regret it.
  5. Don’t do the internet while drunk. Then you wake up the next morning and find webcam pictures of your boobs and have a hard time explaining to your mother what a webcam is and those are not really your boobs.
  6. Don’t send naked pictures to anyone you’re not married to. Unless that’s your thing. Then you go. Otherwise, make sure you delete that ish off of his hard drive before you break up with him.
  7. Don’t ever assume that nobody else can read your emails. Inevitably you screw up and leave your email or your Facebook or your Twitter open and that communique that you worked so hard to keep from whomever is right there on their computer screen and then they’re irrevocably angry at you.
  8. Not everyone has a sense of humor.
  9. Tone is hard to read in the written word. If you’re being sarcastic or pissy (i.e. “Would it be illegal if I kicked someone in the face?”) make sure to say so. (“I would never actually do this. But I just want to know for future reference.”)
So just to review – if you’re questioning if what you’re about to hit “Send” or “Post” on might get people to hate you in your real life, don’t do it. Sleep on it.
Also, don’t worry about pissing off the trolls on the internet. They’re inevitable and just a sign that you’re awesome.

You people disturb me.

Along with the name of my blog (which is super flattering that people are googling me), here are the latest Google searches to find my blog:

soaps neck brace episode (All soap operas have people with neck braces. Try watching the movie Soap Dish. You’re welcome.)

something that will make me laugh (not me, lately! Try heading to Hyperbole and a Half. She’s good for a giggle.)

labyrinth roller derby names (Ludo Chris. Hoggle Boggle. Jareth the Hobblin’ King. Feel free to take any of those.)

id rather be punching you in the jejunum (Well thank you. I will keep that in mind next time you come around.)

Mamavation Monday: Looking for My Self

Some days, I wonder if I will EVER find myself. I’ve been looking for a long time, but I’ve also been hiding for a long time.

If I didn’t show people my true self, I would never get hurt. I spent a lot of time talking really loud so people wouldn’t listen. I spent a lot of time talking with my hands so people wouldn’t look at my face. I put on wild and crazy makeup so people wouldn’t actually look into my eyes.

I became a master of distraction.

My “fat suit” is another form of camouflage for me. This extra layer of gross fat on my body hides me so I don’t have to talk to people or pretend to flirt with cute boys, because cute boys normally don’t talk to the fat girl.

Who am I under all of this? All of the distraction has muddied my view of my ownself. I don’t remember who I used to be before I was hiding. I don’t remember much of anything of who I used to be.

So now is the time I get to create a new me. The old fake weird patchwork me is gone. Now I need to clean up after her.

And she’s made a mess.

So I am working harder to lose the rest of the 80 pounds I need to lose because I want to be healthy and I’m tired of wearing yoga pants.

And I’m seeing someone to help with my emotional issues because shrinks are not just for crazy people.

And I’m leaning on my fantastic fiance because that’s what we are supposed to do for each other.

And I’m slowly working my way back to My Self.

So this week, I actually gained a bit. But I’m holding steady at 239.4 pounds. And I’m living a better life already….I just need to kick it into high gear…..

Kind of Lost.

One of my twitter friends (who is also an offline friend now) told me last night that I haven’t been very funny on Twitter lately.

I hadn’t realized how not-funny I have been until I read some of my latest tweets.

Or this gem:

So yeeeeeeaaaah, personal issues happening off-blog and me actually WORKING are causing me to be unfunny. And I have nothing that I CAN put on the blog right now, because I’m running off to write a paper on how imaginative play helps small kids develop big brains and then finishing a project for a client.

So in lieu of me being funny or having to post, here are some of my favorite things off of Amazon:

Adele. Adele, Adele, Adele. I cannot say enough nice things about this girl. She’s normal, except for her voice, which I find extraordinary. I adore her first CD (18) and this CD is insanely amazing as well. Good mellow yet ass-kicking music.
Hip Girl’s Guide to Homemaking. This would be the greatest gift of all for a bride or a girl moving out of her parents’ for the first time. It’s got some great tips even for me, who’s lived on her own (MOSTLY) for almost 10 years.


Back to the Future. These are my go-to movies when I’m feeling blue. I know all of the words and possibly even some of the hand gestures, I’ve seen them that many times. Yet somehow (for me at least) they never get old. Related: I love DeLoreans.
I have never read this book. But with the issues we’re having with switching Chuck to a Big Girl Bed, I’ve heard this book would help me. (Note: This is not a kids’ book. It is for adults.)

That’s all I’ve got, my darlings. Maybe later today after paper-writing and project-finishing and laundry-folding, I can get something better up :)

Thanks for sticking around.

Disclaimer: These are Amazon Affiliate links. If you click on them and buy something, I get a cut. I chose these particular products because I love them, not because I was paid.

Life Lessons Learned from Labyrinth

Labyrinth (film)

Image via Wikipedia

Because I’ve started working (from home), I don’t have as much time on my hands to idly daydream about all of the blog posts I would like to write.

However, since Labyrinth is one of my favorite movies and I just happened to find it on Netflix Instant, here is a list of 30 life lessons that you can learn while watching it:

  1. Never threaten to do something you don’t think is a good idea. Like threatening to ask the Goblin King to take your baby brother because he’s crying because he’s afraid of lightning.
  2. Ask the question you want the answer to. Don’t butter people up when you need directions. Asking why they are killing faeries is not going to find you the entrance to the Labyrinth.
  3. Don’t overlook people because of their size/age/resemblance to a wooly blue caterpillar. They could be very helpful and invite you into their caterpillar house for tea.
  4. Make sure you get all of the information before you run off into a labyrinth. Although if you do, make sure that you plan other hardships to lengthen the journey to make it suitable for a full-length feature film.
  5. Goblins make horrible babysitters. Although apparently a musical number entertains babies enough that they stop crying.
  6. David Bowie is the most badass human ever. Who else would rock waist-high skintight stirrup pants without a tuck and a haircut that resembles what would happen if I stuck my head in a food processor? Not me, that’s for sure. I have standards that include a firm “no camel toe” policy.
  7. Using what you have on your person if you find yourself lost in a strange place is very resourceful idea. But throwing it in a fit of pouty-ness is a horrible idea.
  8. Life is hard and unfair. But marching around saying how unfair it is and how hard it is just makes the rest of us roll our eyes and go do the dishes until you come to your senses or there’s another musical number.
  9. There is a way to conquer any hardship. Even something like an oubliette. You just need to not panic and use your brain. Or somebody else’s brain.
  10. Sometimes, just when you think that you’re on the right track, Jareth the Goblin King (or something/someone comparable) shows up and throws a wrench in the works. Or a ball down the hall, which makes a really scary sharp thing called “The Cleaners” which tries to chop you up.
  11. Don’t ever say something is a piece of cake. Then #10 will happen.
  12. Respect your elders. They’ve seen a lot and can help you. And they are very interesting. Even if they have a bird growing out of their head.
  13. Things aren’t always as they seem. (this ties in with #3) Sometimes things are big and loud and scary and sometimes they are Ludo.
  14. Sometimes you have to make people do things they don’t want to do. It sucks. But you pinch their nose shut and shove that ring back in their mouth and open the door. But apologize first, that apparently makes it ok.
  15. It’s not always an easy journey for the short ugly dude. Sometimes he gets stuck in servitude to the Goblin King while he’s trying to do the right thing. So while you’re off partying, don’t forget the people that helped get you there.
  16. You should probably keep your distance from anyone who has red hair and plays dice with their eyeballs. Or soccer with their head.
  17. Kissing someone who is not willing is NEVER a good idea. You could get sent to the Bog of Eternal Stench. Or jail.
  18. In life, there are bumps in the road to your goals. Like stinky bogs and tiny foxes who ride English Sheepdogs. Just handle things logically and usually it will work out.
  19. Do what you do best. Some people are fierce and tiny, others can call rocks. Everybody has their own thing.
    Jareth in his first scene

    Image via Wikipedia

  20. If you are hungry and someone “just happens” to be carrying fresh fruit, it’s probably not ok. It’s either smushed from wandering the labyrinth, or it’s filled with LSD and will make you think you’re in a big fluffy white dress and dancing with Jareth. Related: bubbles are not always a good thing.
  21. Just because you get to wear a big pretty dress and get your hair done doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a fairy princess of a time. i.e. my senior prom. And the masquerade party where Sarah falls through the mirror. And my friend’s wedding I missed a few weeks ago (she got appendicitis in the middle of the ceremony and spent her wedding night getting her appendix removed).
  22. Too much stuff is overwhelming. Pare it down. And if they recreate your bedroom in the middle of a garbage dump, maybe you might want to rethink your decorating scheme.
  23. When the walls are crumbling down around you, your friends are there to pull you out. Hopefully. Most of them, at least. Unless they are hiding because they are cowards and got you into that trouble in the first place.
  24. Sometimes a sneak attack is a better idea than knocking on the door and making a bunch of noise. If you make a lot of noise, the giant door-robot-knight can be alerted to your presence and make things difficult for you.
  25. Good triumphs over evil. Mostly. Even if evil has fabulous makeup and an amazing purple coat that I really want and tight pants tucked into boots.
  26. If there isn’t a way, MAKE ONE. If you’re Ludo and need a door, you just pull a wall open.
  27. When it seems like someone is just sitting there and howling, they could be calling the rocks in to save your ass. So don’t judge your friends on their visible activity level.
  28. MC Escher makes my head hurt. That’s not necessarily a life lesson, but too many rapid perspective changes make me ill. I can never watch the scene where they’re wandering in the room full of stairs trying to find the baby.
  29. Saying out loud “You have no power over me” is a powerful thing. Try it next time you’re with someone who thinks they own you. Or even when they’re not around and you’re thinking about them AGAIN.
  30. A big party is always the way to finish out a crazy adventure. So your week was a crazy adventure I bet, go have a party. Eat takeout off the good china. Whatever your brand of party is, big or small, do that for yourself tonight. :)
Enjoy your weekend everybody!

I got nothin.

I have been doing a lot of nothing blog-worthy lately. So I haven’t blogged.

But I feel the need to update you guys so I stop getting the “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?” and “HAVE YOU DIED???” emails/tweets/texts, so here is a list of what I have done in the last week:

  1. Sang songs with Chuck.
  2. Cleaned the kitchen 19 bajillion times.
  3. Canned some rhubarb BBQ sauce.
  4. Made cheese, bread and yogurt.
  5. Played scrabble with Chef.
  6. Got a new phone. (2 weeks ad I can get an iPhone!)
  7. Took some really bad pictures and decided I desperately need an iPhone (see #6)
  8. Set up a Food Swap for my area.
  9. Organized a meal swap for my moms group.
  10. Spent a lot of time on Lamebook, Pinterest and looking at toddler beds on Craigslist.
I’m sure there’s other fascinating and scintillating things I have done in the past week, but I won’t share them so you can just imagine what glittery goodness I’ve been up to :)
Hope you are all having a great week…..stay tuned for my 30 day photo challenge and my journal thingy! (You’re welcome for being super specific about that, btw.)

All images, ideas and text here is property of Mia Cupcake/Bruises in the Frosting, unless otherwise noted. Please do not copy without express permission from blog author.
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