Mamavation Monday: Looking for My Self

Some days, I wonder if I will EVER find myself. I’ve been looking for a long time, but I’ve also been hiding for a long time.

If I didn’t show people my true self, I would never get hurt. I spent a lot of time talking really loud so people wouldn’t listen. I spent a lot of time talking with my hands so people wouldn’t look at my face. I put on wild and crazy makeup so people wouldn’t actually look into my eyes.

I became a master of distraction.

My “fat suit” is another form of camouflage for me. This extra layer of gross fat on my body hides me so I don’t have to talk to people or pretend to flirt with cute boys, because cute boys normally don’t talk to the fat girl.

Who am I under all of this? All of the distraction has muddied my view of my ownself. I don’t remember who I used to be before I was hiding. I don’t remember much of anything of who I used to be.

So now is the time I get to create a new me. The old fake weird patchwork me is gone. Now I need to clean up after her.

And she’s made a mess.

So I am working harder to lose the rest of the 80 pounds I need to lose because I want to be healthy and I’m tired of wearing yoga pants.

And I’m seeing someone to help with my emotional issues because shrinks are not just for crazy people.

And I’m leaning on my fantastic fiance because that’s what we are supposed to do for each other.

And I’m slowly working my way back to My Self.

So this week, I actually gained a bit. But I’m holding steady at 239.4 pounds. And I’m living a better life already….I just need to kick it into high gear…..

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ARDELLd
    Jun 12, 2011 @ 19:22:51

    Wishing you luck in your personal journey…where ever it might lead.

    Reply

  2. Mary Worley
    Jun 12, 2011 @ 20:01:10

    Good luck and may you be the best you that you can be.

    Reply

  3. Megan @mnmspecial
    Jun 12, 2011 @ 20:14:11

    Way to go on the decisions you have made to recover yourself. You are a strong lovely woman, making strong & smart decisions for your family.

    Big hugs for lack of a better term, coming out. You can do it & I can’t wait to follow you!

    Reply

  4. Nicole
    Jun 12, 2011 @ 20:25:55

    I can relate 100%, wish I could find myself as well. Part of me wants to lose the weight so badly because I know it would make me happy, healthier and just back to normal really, but then the other half of me gets so aggravated that I can’t find that happy person at this weight. Makes me wonder if it is just the weight. Would I really be happier, thinner? Anyway, I’m excited to follow you on your mission and I wish you luck. You’re definitely an inspiration to me!

    Reply

  5. Rachel (@rachhabs)
    Jun 13, 2011 @ 06:27:32

    Awesome job! I know what you mean about finding yourself again. I am on the same journey now. Shrinks are not just for crazy people :) in fact I have an appointment with mine today!

    I feel like if I didn’t deal with the emotional issues I would never really be able to change anything. So props to you for taking that sometimes very difficult step! So proud of you!

    Hope you have a fabulous week! :):)

    Reply

  6. Lena
    Jun 13, 2011 @ 10:19:02

    Luck in your journey. Put one foot in front another and just keep repeating it. Looking forward to your next step

    Reply

  7. Sara at Saving For Someday
    Jun 13, 2011 @ 14:05:48

    Interesting you mention the mental health part, I did too! That’s probably the hardest part for me – stopping the chatter in my head that isn’t true.

    Good for you for taking that step toward improving your own mental health. You deserve it!

    Reply

  8. kia
    Jun 14, 2011 @ 04:55:56

    Shrinks are not just for crazy people. Therapists kick ass when you actually work with them. Good luck on this awesome journey you are in the middle of. I always contend that Mamavation could do with a good therapists because many long-term obesity issues could deal with some therapy as equally as a nutrition coach and exercise plan.

    Reply

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