Some days, I wonder if I will EVER find myself. I’ve been looking for a long time, but I’ve also been hiding for a long time.
If I didn’t show people my true self, I would never get hurt. I spent a lot of time talking really loud so people wouldn’t listen. I spent a lot of time talking with my hands so people wouldn’t look at my face. I put on wild and crazy makeup so people wouldn’t actually look into my eyes.
I became a master of distraction.
My “fat suit” is another form of camouflage for me. This extra layer of gross fat on my body hides me so I don’t have to talk to people or pretend to flirt with cute boys, because cute boys normally don’t talk to the fat girl.
Who am I under all of this? All of the distraction has muddied my view of my ownself. I don’t remember who I used to be before I was hiding. I don’t remember much of anything of who I used to be.
So now is the time I get to create a new me. The old fake weird patchwork me is gone. Now I need to clean up after her.
And she’s made a mess.
So I am working harder to lose the rest of the 80 pounds I need to lose because I want to be healthy and I’m tired of wearing yoga pants.
And I’m seeing someone to help with my emotional issues because shrinks are not just for crazy people.
And I’m leaning on my fantastic fiance because that’s what we are supposed to do for each other.
And I’m slowly working my way back to My Self.
So this week, I actually gained a bit. But I’m holding steady at 239.4 pounds. And I’m living a better life already….I just need to kick it into high gear…..