A draft to our Silent Neighbor

Here’s the draft of the letter to the neighbor. I think it’s mostly a vent right now, and that this won’t actually be sent to him.
Still. It’s freaking hilarious.

Clicky clicky the photos to see bigger…they’re calculations pulled straight from the county website on noise ordinance 🙂

Dear Jack,

We found your last email to be quite offensive, un-neighborly and not in the least humorous.

If you had simply stated “I can hear the hum of your pool pump motor from inside my home, is there any way that we can work together to minimize the sound?”, that would have been a courteous way to communicate your desires.

Instead, you felt it necessary to launch into a pedantic condescending bloviation in which you re-stated (as you did in your last email concerning noise emanating from children playing), your aversion to any sound that derives its source from anything outside the sounds of nature, specially those emanating from the presence of human beings.

If you had cordially communicated your concerns, we would have informed you that we had already taken you hyper-sensitivity to sound into account and were in the process of enclosing the unit in a sound reducing enclosure, placing the unit on vibration absorbing foam and surrounding the pump motor with thick Styrofoam to render the unit virtually inaudible.

Even worse, you made the errant assumption that we are completely ignorant of acoustic calculation and audio engineering and issued a boorish dissertation on the effects of audio physics relating to the decibel level occurring at your location.  Your careless hurling around of audio terminology infers that we are completely ignorant of acoustic calculation and audio engineering.

In the future, if you have the need to communicate issues relating to sound to another that you use the following formulae to provide specific mathematical data and utilize the sums of the data to justify that the sounds that you are hearing are above the legally acceptable level of OUR COUNTY ordinances:

We feel, at the very least, you owe us an apology for being so un-neighborly, making us feel unwelcome, as well as insulting our intelligence.

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