Live Blogging the VMAs

Cover of "Jackass - The Movie (Unrated Sp...

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Since I am alone (Chef has ditched me for his BFF), I thought I’d watch the VMAs and live-blog them for you.

You’re welcome.

UPDATE: The scary mouse DJ is Deadmau5. The creepy rail-humping blonde is Robyn. That is all.

(I put the Jackass picture over there because I love Jackass. And it was one of the recommended media for this post 🙂 )

8:28 – This is not starting off well for me. Justin Bieber makes me violent, and being paired with Usher does not cushion the blow. I feel the need to start drinking.

8:31 – Why does Sway feel the need to holler into his microphone? Does he think we….omigod. Who is invading my television now, and wtf is she wearing? Chef and Chuck are looking at the TV horrified. (Chef just walked back into the room and said “WHO DRESSED HER??”)  I think Judy Jetson called and wants her workout outfit and her party wig back. I am strangely unable to turn away from the television. Is this the newest in cyborg technology?

8:35 – Chef just said “Will.I.Am woke up this morning and said ‘I think I’ll be EXTRA black today.” (You have to see the pictures to understand why that is not offensive.)

8:37 – I don’t know what I’m more horrified by: the badly-dyed pink wig, the random dude in the back doing the robot, the fact that Will.I.Am seems to have painted himself pitch black and put plastic Ken hair on, or the strippers climbing the light racks on the sides. Someone help me, I think I may have reached the “I’m too old for this” point.

8:41 – Oh Jeebus. I cannot believe that Jackass is still relevant. Johnny Knoxville seems to be wearing a sailor’s outfit, which I’m pretty sure is how one of my fantasies starts out….TMI? Maybe.

8:43 – Jersey Shore got to see a preview of Jackass: 3D. Pretty sure that Jersey Shore is Jackass: 2D. Also, I cannot wait to see that movie. Chef is shocked that I want to see it. (October 15th. Who’s going with me?)

8:44 – This one who is talking about Twitter is wearing a VERY VERY unfortunate dress.

8:45 – TRUE BLOOD. OMG, Alicide. And is Evan Rachel Wood still dating Marilyn Manson?  He kind of freaks me out. No, he REALLY freaks me out. Saw him perform with Hole when I was pregnant with Short Stack. Moving on.

8:49 – I am starting to feel like I’ve aged about 16 years in the past 15 minutes. Half of the people on this show I don’t even know. The rest I’d rather not have to look at.

8:50 – I’m confused. What is Kanye West doing with an explosion, a deer and a lady dressed like a bird?

8:51 – OK, the lady in the unfortunate dress is apparently the MTV Twitter Jockey. I think she might need a new stylist.

8:52 –  Is Kesha’s giant fake braid made out of horse hair? And her dress is SERIOUSLY made out of a garbage bag? If it’s not, the designer who actually made it is SO PISSED that she referenced Home Depot.

8:54 – Oh, I do love Eminem. His first album was my big “f*ck you” to the Dearests. I’d been such a good girl and behaved myself so well up to that point, and his album came out my freshman year of college and I learned all the words and sang them LOUD and he totally helped me realize it was OK to be my own person.

8:55 – OMIGOD STOP SINGING JUSTIN BIEBER!!

8:57 – Oh Gaga. I am a Little Monster for SURE…and her outfit does NOT disappoint. I’m wholly confused by the golden feather mohawk, her blue striped hair, and her fantastic Alexander McQueen dress (really beautiful autumn tones with a very odd shape). She has a bunch of people in her entourage wearing odd uniforms…oh, they’re ex-military who were discharged or chose to leave because of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. I’m super impressed with her standing up and using her celebrity for a cause.

OK, back to snark.

9:00 – Opening with Eminem. Hell yes. He has some freaky eyes. This brings me right back to my shell-breaking. HE’s performing his new song, the one that’s not with Rihanna. “I’m Not Afraid” maybe?

9:03 – and here’s Rihanna, wearing an outfit that I’m fairly sure was my favorite dress-up costume when I was six. A tutu and some sort of shortie corset. Oh, and rainboots, it looks like. Did she even brush her hair?

9:05 – That was it? That’s all for the opening number? I expected a little more, like explosions and/or somebody falling down? Well, Chelsea Handler is the host and…..ope, here’s Lindsey Lohan looking a little more sober than normal; that’s nice.

9:06 – And here comes Chelsea, wearing a suburban house on her head, I think….with scary glittery fat men in red spandex dancing around. This is the opening I was looking for….and a dove came out of her crotchal region. Best. Host. Ever.

9:11 – ok….I take it back. Chelsea sounds totally drunk and the monologue is not so funny anymore. She made some crack about “leo-tarded” and I’m getting up to make potatoes for a second

9:14 – I walk out of the room for 3 minutes, and I return to Chelsea riding away on the lap of a very large man riding a Lil Rascal. I will now be leaving the room every time this show gets boring so something exciting will happen. I feel like I’ll be leaving the room a LOT.

9:15 – Gaga wins the first 3 VMAs and needs the assistance of 3 people to get up out of her chair and walk up the stairs to accept the award. Her dress is seriously amazing. Ellen is carrying her train, I love it. I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere.

9:17 – Dear God, Ke-dollarsign-Ha, DON’T PUT STICKY NAME TAGS ON FUR! Lord.

9:18 – There seems to be a glowy mouse DJ-ing this party. Either that, or I’ve dropped acid and just don’t know.

9:21 – Getting up to get the batch of these Salt & Vinegar Potatoes out of the oven. Fully expecting something awesome to happen while I’m gone.

9:26 – one of the guys from Jackass who is dressed like PeeWee just ripped off his clothes and has a sock on his wang….is that Jordan Catalano?? Yup, sure as hell is. Last time I saw him, he was getting his face beat in. Nice to know he’s now deciding to grow a bleached mullet. (Love the Kings & Queens song, though.)

9:27 – When the hell was Kim Kardashian decided to be a FASHION ICON? Now Lady Gaga, I get. But shopping at SlutWear for Big Booty Hoes does not make you a fashion icon. Also, the bit about Justin Bieber having a restraining order against her was a bit strained. (see what I did there?)

9:29 – There will be radio silence until Justin Bieber disappears from my tv. I refuse to listen to him sing. He looks like he’s performing with the cast of Ethnically Diverse High School Musical.

9:31 – I’m going to assume (since I’m not listening, but still watching) that J-Bieb is performing a medley of tunes from his upcoming stint on Broadway as Danny Zucko in Grease. That’s the only reason I can find that these guys are dancing around him in letterman’s jackets.

9:38 – Ke-dollarsign-Ha, PLEASE stop trying to be awesome. Frankly, you’re either awesome, or you’re not. You can’t force it. You’re not, btw.

9:40 – Urr-sherr (aka Usher) always puts on a good show. This one is kind of boring, but the dude is getting older. I’m lucky if I can get up off the floor, let alone dance like that.

9:41 – The SWAT team seems to be rappelling into the middle of Usher’s performance. Ope, no…they’re dancing ninjas. That makes more sense. Also, why does everyone seem to have stripper backup dancers on this show?

9:43 – HA! “Mariah Carey couldn’t be here tonight, because tomorrow is Nick Cannon’s first day of preschool!”

9:44 – I don’t like these scripted banter things with the presenters. Katy Perry looks lovely, whereas Nicki Minaj looks like she’s pre-registering for auditions of “Golden Ghetto Girls”. That pantsuit is straight from Bea Arthur’s estate sale.

9:46 – The mouse DJ is creeping me out. Seriously. Like Mighty Mouse’s tripped out big city cousin.

9:53 – I want my hair the same colour as Florence and the Machine. Not the Machine, just Florence. You know what I’m trying to say.

9:54 – This performance must be seriously boring for the people in the audience. They were just rolling around on the floor for the first half. But damn, Florence has a serious voice. This performance is starting to be a clusterf*ck of random genres though…a little Greek goddess, a little gospel choir, a little tribal drummer, a little 20’s flapper dancing and I’m pretty sure the guys in the front are from Apocalypto.

9:57 – well, the creepy DJ mouse now has a giant cat and a goldfish on the screen behind him.

9:59 – I’m confused why Ciara and N.E.R.D. are dancing around Chevy cars. I’m sure they explained this earlier in the show,  but I missed it and instead, I’m sitting here baffled while they do the limbo and booty dance in front of a screen filled with (i’m NOT KIDDING) kittens, clouds and rainbows.

10:03 – Chuy was go-go dancing….and now Chelsea is getting less and less funny. Seriously? Is she drunk? Or maybe she’s not drunk and she’s only funny when she is??

10:05 – the gay kid from Glee is going to sh*t if Gaga wins….and she did. OMG, she seriously has 3 people there just to help her get out of her chair and on the stage! With her now-black mohawk and huge black dress.

10:08 – I love Taylor’s guitar….gorgeous. I can’t see her dress though…and her hair looks a little like too old for her. Like a little girl playing dress up….isn’t this song supposed to be about Kanye? I highly doubt he’s an innocent….ok. I get it.

10:10 – Wait. Is she really not wearing shoes?

10:11 – Really, I understand Taylor is trying to “grow up” but the red lips and the eye makeup is on the “trying too hard to be a big girl” end of things…..and that was a very nice “Fuck You Kanye” song.

10:17 – I don’t know if I like the new freecreditscore.com band. They’re better than the No Doubt rip-off that was up for it, but not sure that I don’t horribly miss the old band 😦

10:19 – I TOTALLY JUST GLEEKED OUT. You’ll have to excuse me, but that was my life in high school. Something about Tuesday, I missed it because I was too busy being excited.

10:20 – MTV, thank you for the “Hatred Is The Enemy” ad. Teach the kids.

10:21 – I apologize, but I might miss something over the next minute….bathroom break and no DVR to pause!

10:23 – How is it that Justin Timberlake doesn’t seem to age?

10:24 – Damn, I didn’t know who Drake was, but with the oldschool Rat Pack style club set and the dinner jacket thing he had going on, I totally did not expect him to rap. I was expecting a little showtune action. And the strippers are seated this time? Huh. I do love me some Mary J Blige though…and the fact that he’s 23 and she is 40 and he’s totally hitting on her is not at all cougar-ish somehow.

10:27 – SERIOUSLY!! The mouse is now making me paranoid that my lack of meat products in my diet is making me delusional or something….

10:28 – Evan Rachel Wood is hot (and rocks the red hair like few other non-natural-redheads can *cough* KATVOND *cough*), but I’m not sure that wearing a boring dress from Wet Seal is the way to go….and seriously, they only had Alcide Herveaux on for 5 seconds?

10:33 – It stuns me that people who talk on microphones FOR A LIVING scream into them. And Chelsea just got into the jacuzzi with SUPER expensive shoes on, and I die a little inside.

10:34 – I don’t know who this woman with the thick accent is, but if MTV could start having people who actually can ACT do the introductions, that would be very nice. Then I wouldn’t cringe and want to cry for the dying art of pretending to say something that someone told you to say.

10:42 – This guy (whose name I cannot remember) looks like a young Little Richard. And I love a man who can play the piano and sing. Fifteen years of lessons, and I still couldn’t sing AND play.

10:43 – I feel like this guy in the odd letterman’s jacket is violating the piano player’s music by rapping over it….and where did Hayley from Paramore’s pants go? She looks nice though…what’s pinned to the back of her jacket? I am EXTREMELY impressed that she held the tune with NO backup music at all.

10:47 – who is this creepy auto-tuned person humping the railings and looking like Madonna (from the Material Girl era) and Sinead O’Connor (from the pope-picture-ripping era) procreated?

10:48 – I totally don’t understand the guy in the bowtie. I think that look died when P.Diddy stopped having the umbrella guy.

10:53 – Jesus. Another set of people I don’t know. I’m pretty sure if I want to be hip, I SHOULD know, but judging by the vest the guy is wearing and his pretentious Spanish-speaking, I don’t care.

10:54 – and Justin Bieber wins Best New Artist. Is anyone surprised? He has an average of 3% of ALL TWITTER TRAFFIC dedicated to him at any one time. Sometimes I wish the J-Bieb and Soulja Boy fans would just go on their own websites and leave twitter ALONE.

10:55 – Linkin Park performing at the Griffith Observatory. THAT IS SO AWESOME. Linkin Park was another of my “rebelling against my parents” CDs. Just found my original copy of Hybrid Theory while cleaning…broken into a thousand pieces. I miss Mike Shinoda…where is he? Chester is looking like 10 miles of bad road.

11:01 – Cher is going to be in a Burlesque movie? Does this scare anyone else?

11:05 – I totally just shit myself. Is Cher wearing the ugly outfit she wore in the 80’s with the body stocking??  She just made the people standing up in front of the teleprompter sit down. HAHAHA! I LOVE LOVE LOVE CHER. I am a gay man in a straight girl’s body sometimes.

11:06 – I cannot imagine the awesomocity if Cher gives the award to Gaga….HOLY SHIT GAGA WON. Isn’t this one of the signs of the apocalypse? Also, this latest costume change of Gaga’s is kind of Barbarella meets Velvet Elvis meets Crazy Shoes.

11:07 – I love Lady Gaga. She just busted out a with a little song off her newest record, “Born This Way”, during her acceptance speech.

11:08 – On the flip side, I HATE AZIZ ANSARI. Aaaaaaaaand here’s Kanye West.

11:10 – What the hell is Kanye doing, dressed like he stole his suit from Miami Vice and his bling from Mr T? And ballet dancers? Really?

11:11 – Dear Kanye. Stick to rapping. Singing is not your thing. Wait…..did you just say “let’s have a toast to the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs”? I change my mind. You’re awesome. Sing as much as you want.

11:13 – I’m starting to feel like this show is never going to end. Aaannnnd, I think it just did. Did it?

11:14 – CHELSEA WHATEVER-YOUR-MIDDLE-NAME-IS HANDLER. You have a MICROPHONE IN YOUR HAND. YOU DO NOT NEED TO YELL, YOU DRUNK LUSH BITCH.

11:15 – and now it’s over. I’m taking my snarky ass to bed.

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