Merry Christmas! You’re fired.

Augustin Théodule Ribot: The cook and the cat

Image via Wikipedia

So Chef and I knew this was coming….

2 weeks ago, his boss pulled him aside and (totally bawling in a very non-chef like manner) tells him that as of the first of the year, Chef will be “underemployed.”

Definition of underemployed according to Googleemployed only part-time when one needs full-time employment or not making full use of your skills.

Definition of underemployed according to Chef’s boss: not working right now because there are no banquets or business, so maybe in March we’ll revisit the situation and hire you back but then again maybe not, but we really like you and wish we could keep you.

This morning when Chef arrived at work, his boss pulls him aside again and says he (and everyone else that ranks below him in seniority) has been removed from the schedule as of THIS MONDAY.

So Merry Christmas, Chef is fired, and I’m canceling Christmas.

This comes the day after the scary doctor calls and flips out because I am not scheduled for a huge massive life-changing surgery like she recommended. So all in all, it’s been a very interesting day.

I would like to inform the Universe that I have a very low tolerance for any more fuckery during this holiday season. This means there will be a moratorium on the following (and this is by no means a comprehensive list):

  • dying (seriously, if even another of my HOUSEPLANTS dies, I’m going to lose my shit and wander into traffic in my bathrobe with a stewpot on my head.)
  • arrested-ness (no job = no money for bail, people. I’ll come visit you though. You’ll look smashing in drab green or bright orange, depending on where you get locked up.)
  • Christmas trees bursting into face-melting flames (this hasn’t happened. Yet. This Christmas) or falling on small children (again, hasn’t happened)
  • cars getting hit in random snow storms (seriously, the LEAST you can do is write down the license plate and ATTEMPT to apologize for wrecking our car.)
  • getting suspended from school (only 1 more day of school for Short Stack, so I think we’re in the clear on this one…)

So in conclusion, I am tired of Christmas exploding its fake cheer everywhere and crapping all over my house every year.

The End.


Scary Doctor Confuses a Who


Image by Jack_Herrick via Flickr

So I got a phone call from the scary doctor yesterday. Well, the nurse actually. She was flipping out because I had not scheduled myself in for the Big Scary Surgery that I was under the impression that I did not have to have, due to the very ambiguous voicemail the doctor left 2 months ago, and then never returned my calls to clarify.

Here’s the exact transcript of the voicemail she left me after all of the testing and blood draws and poking and prodding they did in October:

Hi [Mia], this is [scary doctor] calling with your test results. It looks like…um…it looks like everything is clear. I still am recommending [the big scary surgery], but there’s no rush on that. Call my office and we’ll schedule you sometime next year.

So what I got from that was “there’s no need to schedule your surgery right away, relax. The cancer is not going to kill you tomorrow.”

So now they want me to go in for some procedure I don’t really understand, despite Googling the crap out of it. The side effects just sound scary and the greatest part of the whole surgery is that it might not even work and then I’d have to get radiation or possibly chemo and the whole point of having THIS procedure rather than the big scary one is because I don’t want to lose that particular part of my body just yet.

I would also like to point out that this is CANCER which I am under the impression is pretty SERIOUS and TIME-SENSITIVE and I swear to God, if I die, I’m expecting somebody to get pissed on my behalf because at that point, I probably won’t care anymore.

Also, I really hope I don’t have to have chemo because I hear it sucks. (I have nothing witty to say about chemo.)

So for a few days in January, I’ll be in the hospital in Seattle if anyone wants to come visit….and Chef will be hanging out either in the hospital housing or in my room and will probably need a break if anyone wants to steal him.

Merry Christmas, I would like to not have any more stupid things happen, OK???

The Girl in the Corner

"A little statue of Buddha."

Image via Wikipedia

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone
who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are
yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You,
yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve
your love and affection.”
~ Buddha ~

DISCLAIMER: Today’s post is not funny. Well, maybe a little bit funny, but it’s in the interest of trying to make light of something I haven’t ever told anyone, not even Chef.

So if you’re looking for funny, hit up The Bloggess or Hyperbole and a Half. We’ll be back to your regularly scheduled semi-hilarity in the next post.

I think some of you might find this a bit shocking….but all through public school (and even for 2 years at an alternative school) I was bullied. Pretty bad.

I was called some very un-creative names, was peed on a couple of times, was excluded from parties that everyone else in my class was invited to. Had my house toilet-papered, had my stuff stolen. Got in fights, spent a lot of time in the principal’s office.

Even now, it’s pretty painful to try and remember all the stuff I went through.

And I suffered through it. I didn’t tell my mom or my dad or anybody because I thought that was how your friends treated you.


When I reached middle school and was getting death threats (I’m not kidding) in my locker because of the New Kids on the Block posters my locker-mate and I had up, I got my first inkling that maybe JUST MAYBE the stuff happening to me was not ok.

And that maybe I was doing something wrong.


So I spent the next 10 years or so trying to fit in the mold. Growing up in an area where money is super important, it was hard. So to clarify, I spent the next 10 years being horribly awkward and weird. And not on purpose.

One night I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time (my first serious boyfriend…at age 26) at some bar or another and he looked at me and said “Who are you?”

I was a little confused, seeing as how we’d been dating for 2 years at that point. Thought maybe he’d probably remember my name…but wasn’t sure. So I gave him my patented “deer in the headlights” look.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and said I was acting like a completely different person. He said it was like dating Jekyll and Hyde, only Hyde wasn’t a monster.

My “Hyde” was just trying too hard to be like everyone else.

He said it was a waste of time to try to be like everyone else because everyone else was boring, and I was like a peacock in a room full of swans. Yeah, the swans are pretty, but the peacock has that tail that’s not always on display.

With swans, what you see is what you get.

He said that for how awesome I was at home, in public I was a totally different person. He asked if I even liked who I was, either as Jekyll or as Hyde. Because he thought I didn’t need to be either, that being Mia was awesome enough.

I thought about it for a while, thought maybe he was just trying to get in my pants, and totally blew it off.

Then, I found that quote at the top of the post on kiss the groom. And promptly burst into tears, scaring the crap out of the dog, the cats, the ferret, the baby and Mille. Big, heart-breaking, ugly sobs. Was NOT PRETTY.

The long-ago boyfriend was right.

It’s taken me 20+ years to realize that I don’t really like myself. I don’t. I’ve looked in the mirror for as long as I can remember and always found some flaw. Some reason to not think that I am awesome and capable and funny and a great baker and a good mom and there has ALWAYS been a reason (or an EXCUSE) for me to hide in the corner at the party.

I’m still worried about being bullied.

As a result, I’m horribly socially awkward. I’m too worried that I’m not funny enough or thin enough or capable enough to have a conversation that I either over or under compensate. It’s the reason why I’m not allowed to have alcohol unless I have a chaperone. (I tend to WAY overcompensate when I’m drunk to try and hide the fact that I’m drunk. PS – that doesn’t work as well as I think it does.)

Now I’m not calling anyone out or blaming the kids I went to school with for my problems. I’m not saying that if I wasn’t teased and toilet-papered, that my life would be easier.

Because I’m not entirely sure it would be.

The whole point of this is to please be there for your kids when their attitude changes. Don’t just blame the sudden switch on hormones. Talk to your kids about what goes on in school, even up into high school and college.

Even with the new government regulations against bullying and discrimination, there are kids who are like I was, who will just take it because they don’t know any better.

Teach your kids to love themselves, because if you don’t, it’s not guaranteed that the school system will.

And a BIG KUDOS to Katie’s mom for supporting her daughter and not trying to force her to like Barbies or My Little Ponies. (Do kids even play with those anymore??)

ps – I’ll be funny tomorrow, I promise. I’ll talk about how much I hate Christmas shopping and the idiots that invented it or the time it took 5 adults 2 hours to put up a tent that one time we went camping.

Happy Apron-olidays!

Child singers carrying a star with icon of a s...

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Yeah, I know the title is a stretch. Work with me here.

Say you have a girl in your life who likes to cook. Or bake. Or stand in the kitchen with a cocktail and pretend she knows what she’s doing.

Then say a holiday like Christmas or Flying Spaghetti Monster Day or Tuesday rolls around. And you’re expected to get her a present. (duh)

So you’re stuck trying to find something that shows you pay attention, yet doesn’t get you in trouble. (like that one time you got her a blender because you thought she’d like to make milkshakes)

In the interest of helping you not have to sleep on the couch until New Year’s, here is my humble offering of suggestions you should probably listen to. (ha)

1. The Mis Cositas Virgin De Guadelupe apron from

Not only is this apron bright, it’s also super sassy. And a little sexy, if you like that sort of thing. Plus, nothing can go wrong in your kitchen if you have the Virgin Mary on your side. Or your apron. I’m not Catholic, I don’t know these things.

(ps, all hate mail can be sent to

2. The Bella Vintage Apron from Boojiboo.

I love the flared skirt on this one, and the black & white damask with the pink accents (they also have it in a really cute cupcake print). I think this would be one of my “fancy aprons” like my grandma used to wear when she had company, over her dress while serving dinner.

Damn. I miss my grandma. She totally would not have worn pink. She was a badass. Like Donna Reed. But with an attitude.

3. The Nora Retro apron in ruby dot from Bella Pamella.

Again, my grandma would have totally rocked this. In fact, I think she had one just like this. Only hers was blue and green and purple and black paisley, and she was a monster in the kitchen.

This one looks like I’d be afraid to get it dirty.

(question: Does anyone else have work aprons and party aprons? No? Just me?)

4. The Ava Bib apron in the 50’s kitchen print from Jessie Steele.

I think the biggest reason I love this is that it has a red mixer on it.

Also, I think the oven has a smiley face.

And it’s just horribly fun.

5.  The I Love Lucy retro apron from loverdoversclothing. (all of their aprons are fantastic, actually)

I have an unnatural affinity for Lucille Ball. I think she’s amazing and a pioneer of female physical comedy and her hair is fantastic and I want all of her dresses.

I even carried an I Love Lucy lunchbox when I worked for the Evil Empire a few years ago.

And now I forgot what I was talking about.

6.  And last, but certainly not least…the Baking is Sexy apron from theboldbanana.

This would be one of my “work aprons”. It’s functional AND cute.

I’d have chocolate cupcake batter all over this in 7.2 seconds. And would LOVE IT.


In conclusion, don’t buy your wife/girlfriend/chick you know a blender.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas. Here’s your coal.

The Examination and Trial of Father Christmas,...

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It’s been several years since I got something for Christmas. And I don’t mean “since I got something I wanted”…I mean got ANYTHING AT ALL (outside of last year’s lovely gift of socks and scratch tickets from Mille and Fille.)

True, I told Chef the last 2 years that I didn’t want anything, but here’s a big clue for men out there: sometimes when your wife or girlfriend or female platonic friend roommate says “aww, don’t get me anything”, SOMETIMES she means “go figure it out yourself, meat head. I pick up your underpants and cook you food and raise your children and listen to you complain about your boss ALL YEAR LONG, go get me something that shows that sometimes you pay attention to me.”

I’m just lucky I don’t get coal. (Especially after the picture I posted above…which apparently has something to do with killing Santa.)

So in this season of giving, I’m posting the “things that make me wish Santa still came to visit me” gift list. If I remind you of one of the lovely ladies on your gift list, you’re lucky. Here’s a cheat sheet for you.

If you don’t, then this is pretty much just a list of things that would make me more spoiled than I already am. Sorry 😉

1. This apron from Cupcake Provocateur. Or really, any of her aprons. I’m completely obsessed with aprons, and enamored with hers in particular. All of her patterns are fun and the prints are fabulously retro and I adore it.

The full skirt of this apron is horribly adorable and since I’ve decided my life’s goal (this year) is to get on Martha Stewart‘s show, I would look fabulous in this sassy little number while scheming how to pull off this epic feat.

And I would wear this all year long, because I shun such restrictions as “you can only wear Christmas aprons at Christmas”. Also, Elvis is awesome.

2. Anything from Lucky Cupcake hairclips. Really, ANYTHING from her site. I’m totally obsessed with hair flowers in general, and hers specifically.  I have a ton and a half of uncontrollable hair, and dressing up a ponytail (or whatever you call it when you bunch your hair up and smack a rubber band on it) with one of these bad boys is essential to this momma not feeling like giant wads of something the cat sucked on  (you’re welcome for that visual) when she leaves the house without mascara.

3. A gift certificate to Bake It Pretty. Because I cannot possibly pick just one thing out of the 9.2 million different things (that number is an estimate, BTW) that they have available on the site and I would love every single one of them in my already-well-stocked kitchen.

The “quins” pictured right are just one example of the 8.73 billion things Bake it Pretty carries, and are totally adorable and I’ve been trying to figure out how I would possibly use them…maybe cake pops shaped like cookie sheets with these on them?

4. These nesting bowls (image courtesy of whitneysmith). I’ve been haunting the whitneysmith shop on etsy for some time, and all of her work is gorgeous.

She does some fantastic single-cupcake stands with tiny birds on them…which I also adore and may have to purchase several of for cupcake photo shoots.

But the bowls are my favorite. The whole set would make a fantastic centerpiece with a tea light in the tiniest bowl, or would be fantastic at a dinner party as serving pieces. Either way, they would be a crazy-awesome addition to your kitchen. Or mine. Or both.

5. For those of you following along at home, you know I am completely obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. Obsessed. I also have a thing for cupcakes. (duh.)

And in knowing these things, you would understand why I totally geeked out about this print. I love the look on her face, the cupcake, the “eat me”….everything. LOVE. (the whole shop is pretty amazing….check it out here. The “We’re All Mad Here” print would also fit in our house PERFECTLY.)

I’m trying to convince Chef to let me buy the Alice print right now and he says to “ask Santa”. I’m pretty sure that’s his seasonal version of “no”.

6. More peppermint foot lotion from Right As Rain. (disclaimer: the owner is a friend of mine, and gave me some of her lotion, but did not ask me to do a review.) I walk around in my bare feet a lot. A LOT. If I don’t have to, I won’t wear shoes.

As a result, my feet get pretty manky. At night, before I go to bed, I love scrubbing them with some homemade salt scrub (though Right as Rain has some great sugar scrub too!) and then slathering them with the lotion and putting on some soft socks.

And now Chef doesn’t complain that I’m rubbing all the skin off his legs at night with my sandpapery feet. (But I’m almost out of lotion…..which is why it’s on the list 🙂

7. I don’t wear a lot of jewelry…but I’d make an exception for a few pieces. Anything in this shop would do….but more specifically this piece.

I would find parties to wear this to. I would THROW parties just so I could wear this. I would end up wearing it with yoga pants, because I don’t own fancy clothes, but it would be epic.

8. Here’s another exception to the “I don’t wear jewelry” rule. Pretty sure this necklace is worth throwing a party for as well. It would have to be a fancy party, I think…maybe with a bird theme. For which I could get the bird cupcake stands I mentioned in #4. And wear this ring. (A party which I would have to have AFTER we move out of Mille and Fille’s house…because they’re not “fancy party” people.)

9. Anything from the boygirlparty shop. Or EVERYTHING from their shop. But more importantly, these recipe cards.

I have a LOAD of recipes. It’s not even funny how many I have. I would LOVE these so I could write the important ones down and have them on something fancy to distinguish them from the sea of papers I have floating around my recipe box. (Which, for argument’s sake, is one of these. The 50 quart size.)

The second I start actually working on opening my cupcake shop, I’m contacting the owner of boygirlparty to see if she’d carry her recipe cards in my shop. That’s how much I adore them.

SO! In conclusion, I like stuff. And I hope there’s something shiny for me under the tree this year.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Joyeux Kwanzaa to all, and now I need to go take a nap.

Quick, look over there!

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

Image by sheiladeeisme via Flickr

I have absolutely nothing noteworthy to talk about. I’m beginning to think

I have obviously gone completely off my rocker and neglected to remember that LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO, I was surprised with tickets to see Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and all of a sudden I was 15 again and the guy I had a MASSIVE crush on in high school asked me to dance at the swing dance and then I stepped on his foot and he never talked to me again.

But I love the band, so I went anyway (despite the obviously painful memories it recalls) and had so much fun.

Got to meet the band afterwards (and I tried not to act like too much of a nerd, but I may have scared the crap out of the horn section by breaking into song while waiting for them to sign my CD) and didn’t even get into a fight with the jerk who was making fun of my hair at the bar after the concert.

All in all, a good time was had by all.


PS – WTF WORDPRESS??? What in this post is telling you that one of the suggested tags should be KATE GOSSELIN? I need to rethink my writing if WordPress is under the impression that my adventures are akin to that borked-up momma….

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