Bachelor Season #647, Premiere.

A toddler girl crying

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I am apparently a sucker for punishment, since I made it through one whole episode last season, and then gave up. But this year, I’m trying to blog more, so here’s your punishment.

A live blog of all two hours of this season (which I believe is Season #647). You’re welcome.

(PS – the picture this time is not Chuck….but a little girl who apparently feels my pain.)

8:00 – Why does this dude get another shot? Was he that awesome the first time he rejected all the girls, that he gets to reject a whole new batch this time?

8:01 – Wow….for a whiny dude, he sure has a super macho pad. PS – there are so many things wrong with him that I can tell in the first 2 minutes that I should probably look into some therapy for myself for watching this show.

8:02 – Bachelor Lesson #1 – if you are already totally insecure and possibly feeling horrible about yourself, you probably shouldn’t Google yourself and read what The Blogs are saying about you.

8:03 – Therapists in this country must make a MINT off of reality television stars. There’s got to be at least one in New York that specializes in that brand of crazy.

8:04 – *facepalm* This is going to be a long season unless there’s more shirtless time and less “crying about his past decisions” time.

8:06 – Dear Brad: If you don’t like yourself, attaching to one of the attention whores on this show will probably not lead to a Jerry Maguire “you complete me” kind of love. Just sayin, Mia.

8:06 – if he uses the term “soul searching” one more time, I might drive to LA to bitch-slap him.

8:07 – ope, looks like somebody beat me to it. THESE GIRLS ARE HARDCORE. They’re not all kissing his ass…THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE AMAZING.

8:12 – Lord. Ashley H is just…

8:12 – Shawntel is now officially my favorite. She hearts dead people.

8:13 – Lord. 2 seconds in, and Ashley S (Ashley #2, for those keeping score at home) is BAWLING.

8:14 – Chantal O is THE CRAZY DIVORCED CAT LADY! Fantastic. She’ll be gone by episode 2. (Oh, AND! She’s on the rebound! AWESOME!)

8:14 – Ah, and here’s Michelle, our openly desperate-for-a-man single mom. Fantastic. Dear viewing public: not all single moms are desperate for a man. Srsly.

8:15 – Rachel is a MANSCAPER. She WAXES ASSES. This is the greatest season EVER.

8:15 – Meghan, whose occupation I did not pick up, is apparently comparing dating to shopping for shoes. Great analogy Meghan, except one problem. You don’t have to return all of the other pairs of shoes when you find “The One”.

8:16 – Madison, the model, likes…vampires? IS a vampire? I am unsure. She’s freaking me out either way. Over/under on her is set at 20 minutes from now.

8:16 – Emily is too cute. Like creepy Barbie perfect cute. I kind of love her though. (Is she entirely over her dead husband?) If she’s not Top 4 at LEAST, I’m going to be surprised.

8:25 – I’m bored with Brad already. Can they make a mid-season switch? Because THAT would be a FANTASTIC way to mix things up. Because normally, it’s some crazy dude/chick who can’t find love the normal way, subjecting themselves to a parade of insecure attention suckers who LOVE to hear themselves talk badly about the other guys/girls in “the program” on television.

8:27 – are these the last two standing from Brad’s last season? AWESOME. CAN THEY PLAY TOO? Because I will TOTALLY BE DOWN with watching that. TOTALLY.

8:32 – Those two clopping towards him in their fancy shoes sound like an army coming to execute him. Sounds appropriate. 🙂

8:33 – Those girls are all cute and giggly about this, but you can tell that, if they had the opportunity, they would cut his bitch ass.

8:33 – Um Brad? Nothing you say at this point will make them want to stab you any less.

8:35 – Good call lady – those girls are going to have their guards go up SO FAST when they see it’s the Rejector instead of The Bachelor…this dude is screwed.

8:36 – Oh Brad. You might be a better person, but as far as the television audience is concerned, the last thing that you did was leave those girls. They haven’t seen anything of you since The Final Rose or whatever The Program calls it.

8:37 – Brad, I’m glad you’re happy that they’re happy and not openly trying to kill you on television. Let’s get on with this.

8:42 – and here come the arrivals. I love this part. I usually don’t make it past this part.

8:42 – Chantal O, REALLY? I think I know her. “It’s from every woman in America”, my ass. SHE JUST SLAPPED HIM. I kind of love her. Oh Brad, you’re SO SCREWED.

8:43 – Kimberly. Please invest in a bigger dress and some hair serum. Your flyaways are crazy.

8:43 – Natalie. She’s cute. I like that she4’s not

8:44 – Ashley S. I’m bored with her already.

8:45 – Meghan – I hate your shoes. They look like Clown Barbie shoes.

8:45 – and the snarking begins. I love it.

8:45 – This peach dress girl is crazy. She’s now “Sports Girl” if I can recognize her outside of her dress.

8:46 – girl from Dallas, I’ve forgotten your name already. Sorry.

8:46 – Ashley #2, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAND UP STRAIGHT. Nobody likes a hunchback. See a chiropractor.

8:47 – Raichel, I can tell already I’m going to have massive problems spelling your name. Also, your dress looks like a reject from the Little Mermaid line.

8:48 – Madison. Seriously? VAMPIRE? Did she just say he looks delicious? And forgot HIS NAME?? WOW.

8:48 – Melissa, “catch me”? Really?? I think I saw that dress on an episode of Dynasty.

8:49 – “Outside Chicago”, I am unsure about your dress.

8:49 – Cristy. CRISTY. She has lost her H. Do none of these girls comb their hair?

8:50 – Yellow dress “pinky swear”. I can already tell I’m going to have a HELL of a time remembering anyone’s name.

8:50 – This one is already making him get down on his knee and propose. *headdesk*

8:56 – The commercials last FOREVER on this show! Jeez already! I’m kind of over commercials. No, I don’t have a DVR. Yes, I watch commercials. I’m old school.

8:56 – this poor dude hasn’t even gotten into the house and half the girls already HATE him.

8:56 – I just switched to HD and I think I lost 3 girls. But I like Lisa P. She looks familiar. but SERIOUSLY, can NONE OF THESE GIRLS STAND UP STRAIGHT??

8:57 – Shawntel! Looks lovely in yellow! She’s my favorite . Go girl who plays with dead people! (i think it’s the same girl. Can someone please make these girl wear nametags so I can keep them straight? I might need to make a cheat sheet.)

8:58 – This girl is making him come to the car to get him. Brittney. And she’s wearing what looks a little too much like a wedding dress. Or a long costume from Hoes on Ice.

8:59 – Stacey. She looks like too much awesome to be with this dude…she might chew him up and spit him out before this episode is over.

8:59 – Dear Jill, PLEASE DO NOT announce within 2 seconds that you’re desperate to get married. No matter that he’s here for the same reason, the look of fear and panic and “OMG RUN AWAY” is the same for every man when you announce that, be it random men in a bar or the Rejector. JFYI.


9:00 – Did this girls just call Brad a frog? I’m sorry I’m not keeping up on names…this is killing me.

9:00 – J. Just the letter. She’s from Seattle too. And that’s pretty much all I got from that conversation, except it’s her birthday. Well, not today but…you get what I mean.

9:00 – Keltie? Like Sheltie? She totally just did a high kick. Oh dear, she’s a Rockette. She’s making it past this episode, for sure.

9:01 – Sarah needs to fix her bangs. STOP SAYING “IT’S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.” After the third time, it’s not nice to meet YOU anymore.

9:02 – This is the first one he’s called beautiful and who has said she’s happy it’s him. All of the others have stopped short of saying they’re going to stab him.

9:02 – A chef and a food writer from Seattle. I don’t think I have heard of this girl, whose name i OBVIOUSLY did not catch. This moves too fast for me. I like shows where they explain the hell out of everything.

9:03 – This girl in the camouflage dress is pretty hot. Nice legs. Ope, she said she was happy it was him too. Now they’re just sucking up. (ETA: Michelle. Her name is Michelle. Oh, SHE’S the crazy single mom! She’s hot, how does she not have a man??)

9:03 – I’m exhausted already. Sorry I can’t remember anybody’s name!! I can barely remember my name most mornings.

9:04 – Chef says hi everybody 🙂

9:08 – and now we go to a 10 minute montage of women ripping him apart.

9:08 – First Impression Rose! I love this part. Where you can see the girls trying to figure out how they can claw each other’s eyes out.

9:10 – STOP GIVING THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE! I actually am kind of hoping one crazy bitch stalks out. No? Damn.

9:11 – I’m pausing this. I need a break from the crazy for a second.

9:14 – um…so remember what I said about not having a DVR? The Overlord just informed me she paused the show. So apparently we DO HAVE A DVR. You’d think people would tell me these things….

9:15 – I don’t know who black dress girl is, but way to cut to the chase momma!

9:16 – these girls are seriously ruthless. He needs to just make this speech in front of everybody. “Hey, so I had a lot of therapy and a lot of *soul searching* and I’m not the same.” and then maybe a Q&A session. That would be rad, I’d be down with that.

9:17 – how much longer is the “are you really serious” conversation going to go on?

9:18 – what if all of these girls suck? Like not in the fun way? Is he going to propose to one just so nobody yells at him? Either way dude, you’re totally screwed. I feel bad. Almost.

9:19 – skipping commercials! WOOT.

9:19 – “Let’s just hope that this time, he proposes to someone”. So we know what these bitches are about, jfyi.

9:20 – Hey ABC? Could you nametag these girls please? I can’t remember 30 new names. Only reason I remember Brad’s name is because he’s the sole sword-swinger in this group.


9:22 – Is The Manscaper SERIOUSLY GOING TO WAX HIM? This is the greatest season of any show EVER. He totally flinched. That’s awesome. He needs his package waxed, you can tell. Seriously, greatest moment on The Rejector yet.

9:23 – Yellow Dress is going to sing. I have a feeling I’m…yes. I’m going to need to cry in a minute.

9:24 – I think Alli just asked him if he’s “ready for this jelly”. She’s going home.

9:25 – So Alli just stole Brad from Renee, who stole him from Alli. And now poor Brad is a yo-yo and the girls are loving this. AWESOME.

9:27 – Give the freaking rose away already, for serious. I think Renee is going to go home today. She can’t seem to get him to herself…and I somehow don’t feel sorry for her.

9:31 – ok, we’re back live. I love the DVR. And am waiting with bated breath to watch one of these girls steal the First Impression Rose.

9:32 – Emily! (I love her. I’m serious, if she goes home today, I’m done with this Bachelor.) She’s adorable.

9:33 – Madison is creepy as hell. I think he likes her. But..HA! “The girl has fangs, ok?” She’s playing games honey. She’s 12. And pretending to be a vampire.

9:34 – Oh Michelle. Lovely dress, but you’re man-hungry.

9:35 – Ladies, who’s going to be the first makeout of the season?

9:36 – And the First Impression Rose goes to……Ashley H? REALLY???? The Dancing In Her Underpants girl? Oh no. Ashley S. Can he send one of the Ashleys home so I can keep them straight??

9:40 – Just realized something….where’s the token minority girl? They’re all so white bread this season….

9:45 – is this the part where he cuts everyone? AWESOME.

9:45 – First rose goes to Michelle. Wait, Michelle is the crazy single mom! NO! Then Kimberly. Then MADISON?? REALLY? Sigh.

9:47 – I’m rapidly losing patience. Mostly because I cannot keep up with who all of these girls are and I’m trying to read bios on ABC’s website and figure out who is who…UGH!

9:48 – Emily got a rose! WOO!!

9:49 – I’m super close to turning the channel. OK, Rachel in the Little Mermaid reject dress gets a rose. Can somebody punch someone or make out? I’m getting bored. This season has been touted as the most epic season ever, and so far there’s been no kissing. I call bullshit.

9:50 – Keltie gets a rose and there’s no high kick? I think she took off her shoes. 😀

9:50 – Ashley H, crazy dance-in-your-underpants girl, gets a rose. Then Meghan. Or Megan. I can’t remember.

9:50 – I’m realizing this is the longest minute ever, as Lisa and Lindsey get a rose.

9:51 – Alli, with the big ol booty, gets a rose.

9:52 – does this man take notes? That’s the only way I’d be able to keep everyone straight. Sarah P gets a rose. Melissa gets a rose.


9:53 – Bria, or Briggit gets a rose. So does Stacey. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.

9:52 – Shawntel of the Dead People gets a rose. HOORAY!

9:53 – Jackie gets a rose. I don’t recognize half of these girls. (which says a lot about my memory, since it’s only been an hour.) Melissa gets a rose. I don’t recognize her either.  (Maybe I have early onset dementia?)

9:54 – LAST ROSE. He looks very pensive, and is probably plotting his way out so the rejected girls don’t stab him. Chantel O gets the last rose. And the other girls are looking murderous.

9:55 – “Frogs to Kiss” girl is gone…and Lauren the teacher, who I don’t recall from any of this show. And she’s pissed and bitter about it.

9:57 – ope, Britnee the girl who made him come to the car to get her is gone. I’m actually kind of surprised!

9:58 – Lisa P, I’m impressed that you’re not trying to be all sappy and sad on television. That’s classy.

10 – watching the bits from this season coming up….Jesus, these girls get to go EVERYWHERE! Costa Rica, Anguila, South Africa….black eyes! AWESOME. I’m actually excited for this season. Oh SNAP, is he going to be rejected at the end? Because that might be the best ending ever.

But, knowing me, y’all will have to remind me when it’s on. Because I might not remember 🙂

ps – where the hell are the big girls? These chicks are all so incredibly skinny.

pps – Keltie teaching Brad how to Rockette kick over the credits? AMAZING. There’s 19 different kinds of crazy on this show.


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