The post I wrote for Mamavation Monday a few weeks ago….was really hard for me to publish.
It’s one thing to write in my own little journal about being fat and how it feels living in sweatshirts and yoga pants and hiding behind other people in photos, and how painful it is for me to realize that nobody did this to this body but ME….but it’s another to take photos of my pale self and post them on the internet for everyone to see and comment on.
Like my high school friends. And people who knew me back in the day when I weighed 115 pounds.
But you know what?
It’s ok. It’s part of my healing process, and the more people I know have seen me at my worst (in shiny booty shorts and a sports bra, apparently), the more I’m compelled NOT to eat all day long, and not to bag off on a workout. And to stick with my diet and even tell you that I have only lost a pound in the past few weeks.
Taking my scale picture to send to Leah was really hard for me. I was disappointed in myself, I was horrified I was letting people down…I just wanted to eat something and make it all go away.
But I didn’t.
I worked out a lot…but I also snacked a lot. And I made some pretty crappy food choices. And I could have pushed myself more.
But I didn’t.
And if I told you I ate all of that crap in my daily food journals on Bookieboo and I faked losing weight this week, it would do me no good. And as a Mamavation Mom, it would do you no good.
Reminds me of an episode of House where a lady who’s a weight loss guru and pushed NOT having the stomach surgeries….turns out she had her stomach stapled or something.
She was putting on a mask, pretending to be someone she’s not.
And that’s part of my weight loss journey is not lying. Not pretending that I’m trying really hard when I’m not. Admitting that I fall down sometimes and that I’m not perfect.
But the biggest part that I have to hang on to is that I am no one else but me. This Mamavation Mom journey is mine, and nobody else’s. I cannot compare myself to other people, or I will lose every time.
And I’m in it to win it.