I’m just going to call this episode “The Day the Fame-Seeking Whores Moved Into Their Inexplicably Awesome Malibu Barbie Mansion“. Or “The Episode Wherein I Decide to Give All Of The Girls Barbie Names.”
Or “Episode 2“.
So for those of you just joining us, the way this type of post goes here on Bruises in the Frosting is this:
- I watch The Bachelor.
That’s it. (oh, and I always pick a picture that has as little to do with the post as possible to put up there in the corner.
So put on your seatbelts kid, Vampire Barbie is still in the building.
8:00: They’re telling you in the first 5 minutes what happens for the rest of the season. This could save me a whole lot of time.
8:02: Are they going to open with a montage of Brad whining about how nobody takes his “search for love” seriously because of the last time EVERY SINGLE EPISODE? Because getting 30 fairly decent-looking women to come to an enormous house in Malibu to “find love” with you on television while trying to fulfill their dreams of getting on said television is TOTALLY REAL.
8:03: I’m wondering if the poor announcer guy (whose name I’ve already forgotten) is going to get torn to shreds if he brings this group bad news. Because I know at least the Vampire Barbie is going to bite him. He brings them a note on who is going for the first date and they bum rush him like the defensive line going after a QB.
Except they’re all in bikinis. And considerably less sweaty than defensive ends.
8:03: Melissa will now be known as Desperate Barbie. She spent zillions of dollars on clothes and quit her job to be on this show. She has apparently been dreaming of going on this show for 8 years. (This show has been on for 8 years??)
8:03 – Dramatic envelop opening annndddd…..Ashley H apparently gets the first date. All the other girls look like they want to cut her. Especially Ashley S…. (Ashley H will now be known as Circus Barbie. Ashley S will be Bitter Barbie.)
Aside: I will make y’all a cheat sheet to keep up with the Barbie names if you’d like. I’ll have to do it this week.
8:04 – IS BRAD DRIVING A MASERATI?? Also, it looks like he’s taking her camping, which Circus Barbie is totally not dressed for. OMG, I hope they’re camping.
8:05 – They’re at a carnival. In the middle of nowhere, in the woods. Damn. If Chef took me on any of the dates they show on this program, I would probably have a heart attack and die from shock. Our last date was 45 minutes long, and we dashed to a conveyor belt sushi place, ate really fast and dashed home. *sigh* (yes, I might be jealous. SHUSH.)
8:06 – I love the way Brad is trying to find deeper meaning in the fact that Circus Barbie is running all over the place like a 5 year old hopped up on cotton candy and crack cocaine.
8:07 – Dear Women of America: quality men do not like it when you fake being scared of things. Kill your own damned spiders, and if you don’t like spinny rides, DON’T GO ON THEM. xoxox, Mia.
8:07 – Back at the Ranch…there’s a knock at the door and all the girls flip out. Keltie, Chantel O, Madison, Melissa, Marissa, Kimberley, Britt, Emily….wait. I think this might be the rest of the girls. No…apparently it’s 15 girls. This dude is a pimp. He goes on a freaking date with 15 girls at one time. Michelle (who is going to be Birthday Barbie) is now complaining that “It’s My Birthday” and all about fighting with girls ON HER BIRTHDAY for attention.
Honey, I hate to tell you, but that’s happening pretty much in every bar in every city in North America, and probably across the world. Nothing new. Proceed accordingly.
8:09 – First Kiss goes to Circus Barbie. She’s making me tired. I’m pretty sure I thought she was cute last week, and now my face hurts from fake smiling every time she comes on screen.
Note: I have now had to pause the show several times to fetch myself beer and try not to bang my head on the desk. Actual time: 8:49. I will now NOT be posting times, because I have had beer and this would require math and it’s already taken me a little less than an hour to watch 9 minutes of this show.
Also, I officially love the DVR.
Circus Barbie asks Brad if they “can do that again”. I scramble for the remote to fast forward through and save myself the grief of watching her slobber all over him.
And a long shot of the circus….to commercial. Thank god.
Back to the program….he hands her a giant teddy bear (as they drink more wine….I spared describing the photo booth session for you…you’re welcome) that I bet he didn’t have to win.
Circus Barbie explains to him that she’s prepared for the worst, and therefore is able to take care of herself. Also, her dad was apparently a homeless drug addict and now I feel really bad that I’m ripping on her. (Hi, daddy issues!)
Brad is about to cry about HIS daddy issues, and I am about to bang my head on the desk for the fifth time in the last 5 minutes.
Yes, we get it that you and Circus Barbie have a lot in common. I would really like them to move on, but they’re talking about commitment issues and you all should really see the look on my father-in-law’s face right now. He looks pensive and horrified.
Brad tries to explain to Circus (and all the women in America, apparently) that he’s “really not looking for redemption”, while everyone except Circus laughs hysterically and says “YEAH RIGHT” all at the same time.
Circus just laughs hysterically.
This is the most serious conversation I’ve ever seen someone have at a fairgrounds since I had to tell Johnny V at the Puyallup Fair in the 10th grade that he needed to get his hand out from under my skirt immediately or I was going to break his face.
Brad gives Circus Barbie a rose and now they’re on the ferris wheel and I bang my head on the desk.
While they make out on the ferris wheel (another headdesk), I try to go to ABC’s website to confirm the spelling of Shawntell or Chantel or Shantal’s name…..and they already have the eliminated girls posted. I’m a little disappointed that they just assume the West Coast wants to know beforehand.
They show an ad for Miss America, and I’m thinking I might have to blog that one too.
They come back from commercial with Birthday Barbie bitching about how it’s her birthday and I want to tell her WE GET IT. It’s getting old. Like her.
Desperate Barbie is so going home tonight.
The limo pulls up to wherever Brad is, and the girls all exclaim how hot he is and how great he is…SIGH.
Emily (the one whose husband died and then she found out she was pregnant with his kid) is now going to be Ungrateful Barbie. YOU’RE WELCOME, UNGRATEFUL BARBIE. Bitching about being on TV and getting to hang out with Brad.
Brad tells the girls they’re going to be donating some time to the Red Cross, and everyone looks horribly confused. Probably because most of them are NOT dressed to give blood. Or possibly have reasons they can’t donate blood.
Brad announces they’re filming PSAs, and at least 3 girls look completely relieved.
Ali is now Virgin Barbie, since apparently her part in these PSAs is virginal. And now they all talk about how they lost their virginity.
And …Birthday Barbie is apparently going to be in a neck brace with both arms in a cast. This is FANTASTIC.
Vampire Barbie is dressed like a dominatrix…and I’m thinking maybe that was the outfit she originally showed up to the date in. (upon further rewinding, I am sadly disappointed that it was not.)
Keltie (Rockette Barbie) is apparently the one dressed like a lumberjack who fell out of a tree, not Birthday Barbie. They show poor Rockette Barbie and I’m actually feeling sincerely bad for her. She looks like a dude. And who thinks a neck brace is hot? This qualifies as one of the worst dates ever.
Birthday has now announced 16 times it’s HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY and she also seems to be dressed like a reject from the Olivia Newton John “Let’s Get Physical” music video. WE GET IT. You’re 30. I was pathetic on my 30th birthday too. MOVE ON.
Britt (Bendy Barbie) is wondering how this all is going to go down and how she’s going to get her claws into Brad while pretending to be someone else for this “acting thing”….
Coming back from commercial, and Brad is explaining how these PSAs they’re filming are going to convince people to donate blood.
Umm…Brad? Question. How exactly does a dominatrix, a 80’s video throwback and a butch broken lumberjack fit in with donating blood? I’m dying to see how this shakes out.I look up to see them taping chest hair and a fake mustache on Brad.
Ok…looks like the thought behind this is filming a crazy soap opera to explain “Giving blood is not dramatic”. Um…ok.
Cut to Brad dressed like a Telemundo soap opera star (except more blonde and with less rippling abs showing), and Ungrateful Barbie and one of the Barbies whose name I have not yet determined slapping each other. (Fake slapping. Sad.) Ungrateful Barbie and Brad are horrible actors.
The girls keep kissing him (he loves me! No, ME!) and they keep having to redo it. Someone accuses the girls of doing it wrong on purpose to keep having to kiss him.
Desperate Barbie breaks into the scene (which she is NOT IN….someone dressed like a pregnant lady that I don’t recognize is) and everyone calls her crazy.
Manscaper Barbie (Rachell) and Birthday Barbie golf clap for Desperate.
OMG, in the next scene is Vampire Barbie telling him to lick her boot, Desperate Barbie playing a cougar and Virgin Barbie pretending to be southern.
Back at the Ranch….everyone is bitching about Birthday Barbie bitching about her birthday.
Secretary Barbie (go hometown girl!) and Foodie Barbie (go other hometown girl!) both are shooting a scene where two girls take a guy back to their place and he turns out to be a vampire. Thought behind this is said to be “Don’t be scared, we just want your blood! Donate!”
My thought is: girls, it’s a good thing you’re hookers and wanted a threesome, otherwise one of you would have gotten drained and he totally does not look like Erik from True Blood. Which does not make for a good PSA.
Foodie Barbie complains that she’s shy and she’s not this person she’s pretending to be in the PSA, and now she’s licking Brad and humping him.
Guess who’s complaining about it? BIRTHDAY BARBIE. BECAUSE IT’S HER BIRTHDAY. Maybe she should get drunk.
Now Desperate Barbie is complaining about Birthday Barbie, and it seems like a giant high school. Wait….did Birthday Barbie just leave???
Brad goes running after Birthday Barbie, who’s “real” outfit looks straight off the set from Barbarella (with a jean skirt, nice). She complains to him that she doesn’t want to do this PSA and it’s her BIRTHDAY and that she just wants to spend time with him. She says all she wants for her birthday is Brad…and I feel like I’ve typed the word “birthday” far too many times.
My birthday is February 12th, if anyone was wondering. I will post an entire blog post full of the word “birthday”.
Apparently they’re done shooting now, and going to some afterparty somewhere, and I can’t help but think if there was a roller derby girl on this show, she’d always win the afterparty.
They show the PSA with Vampire, Desperate & Virgin Barbies, and it’s surprisingly funny.
Back from commercial, and they apparently allowed the girls to go home and change into party clothes. Brad takes them to the Roosevelt, and they have the entire roof blocked off.
He asks them “drama-free, right?” and they all agree, while secretly hoping they can scratch their 14 competitors’ eyes out and get Brad all to themselves.
Guess what, everybody? IT’S BIRTHDAY BARBIE’S BIRTHDAY.
Yay! Desperate Barbie gets some time…and all I can think is that she needs to comb her hair. She attempts to tell him that she’s awesome and then tells him that she appreciates his time. Then she tells us all about it.
Birthday Barbie finally gets her one-on-one time and tells America that all these other girls are trying to steal her man. Then she blows the conversation with Brad by telling him he has walls and he’s an onion. Then she tells us all it’s her birthday again.
(Chef just informed me that he is now aware that it’s her birthday.)
Desperate Barbie rehashes her one-on-one time with Manscaper Barbie and one other girl, and it goes quickly downhill and Desperate starts attacking Manscaper and Virgin Barbie just stands there looking stunned, then lets them go at each other’s throats with the very wise logic that if they tear each other apart, that’s 2 less people she has to grind her heels into as she climbs over their dead bodies to get to Brad.
Although I don’t think she worded it like that.
Back at the Ranch….another envelope arrives!
Circus Barbie reads the envelope, and Jackie (who I do not have a name for yet because she bores me…ooh! BORING BARBIE) gets the date. Then she pontificates for a full minute on how excited she is while everyone else pretends to look happy for her.
Elementary Barbie (Lindsey) and some other girl (HEY ABC?? Be better about names on the screen please. Or give them nametags.) bitch about how they didn’t get dates.
Um….back at the date, the girls apparently brought bikinis? They must tell these girls how to dress. I was kind of hoping they’d jump in the pool in their clothes.
Birthday Barbie gets the rose. WILL SHE SHUT UP ABOUT IT NOW??
Manscaper Barbie feels like she should have gotten the rose because she didn’t say one single word to Brad and everyone else was “like hey, check me out!”
Birthday Barbie now is waving her rose around and saying “I got a rose” repeatedly. In her “confessional” she puts it between her teeth. Think she’ll sleep with it?
Back from commercial, there’s another knock at the door. Oh…this time, it’s Brad. Here to pick up Boring Barbie.
Some girl I don’t recall ever seeing complains. How many girls are here??
Brad takes Boring down to Rodeo Drive and she says “Is this Beverly Hills, right?” I’m on beer 5.
He proceeds to take her in a super fancy hotel, and tells her to get in a robe. I get in my jealous pants.
They paint mud on Boring, then he takes her in a room full of dresses. And tells her to pick one. And shoes. And gets her hair and her makeup done.
And I put on another pair of jealous pants.
Back at the Ranch, Ungrateful Barbie calls her baby girl and tells us that she hasn’t told Brad she’s got a kiddo. Then she cries. (seriously, that’s all I’ve got. I feel her pain.)
Back to The Date, Boring Barbie gets NEIL LANE DIAMONDS. And is wearing a dress that looks like it belongs on the set of Dynasty. Sigh. Brad says she’s so elegant.
My television informs me that I am a full hour behind on watching this…..
Back from commercial…he takes her to the Hollywood Bowl, where the sign says “For Jackie, Love Brad” and I die a little inside. They DRIVE THE CAR into the Bowl, where they drink some more wine.
Brad seems to think he’s an amateur shrink and proceeds to eat dinner with Boring Barbie sitting in front of the stage, and telling her how she needs to feel about this. I think Boring Barbie is a lot more savvy to this than he thinks she is.
He gives Boring Barbie the rose….right before Train comes out on stage, and I fast forward through the rest of this scene because Boring Barbie keeps saying how lucky she is and I’m over it.
He kisses her and it is so cute and my little black heart dies inside a little more because I know he’s going to hurt her. If my man was dating 20 other catty bitches, I would get hurt too.
Back from commercial again….and they’re having another cocktail party. He’s anxious to get in to the party, and now he’s got a lot more swagger.
Birthday Barbie is STILL CARRYING HER ROSE around, and in the middle of while he’s toasting everyone (like they always do), she marches her birthday ass around the table and yanks him away and drags him out into the garden. Wow. Maybe I should change her name to Cojones Barbie.
Birthday apparently has pulled Brad away to ask him the most bizarre series of questions I’ve ever heard. It’s like the questions you would ask someone on an online dating site to weed out the people that don’t have creative answers.
- Starbucks or Coffee Bean?
- What is always stocked in your fridge?
The others are bitching about how much time Birthday is getting with Brad, until she sits down with them. Catty, man.
Brad tells Ungrateful that he “loses words” when he’s talking to her, and she tells him that he intimidates her because he’s hot and they sit there and stroke each other’s egos for a while.
Brad blindly says “everything is going swimmingly!” while the fight goes on between Manscaper Barbie and Desperate Barbie. Chef & Boring Barbies sit there and say they don’t want to get into it, while they sit there and look everywhere but at the bitching match between Manscaper and Desperate.
Manscaper gets up off the couch and goes into the house, where she proceeds to rag at everyone about Desperate Barbie. Circus Barbie plays mediator and is so calm and cool about the whole thing, I’m actually impressed. Desperate Barbie seems to be hankering for a fight….and when we come back from commercial, is bawling in the corner.
Desperate Barbie is complaining at Vampire Barbie, who is cracking me up with the facial expressions she’s making. It’s vacillating between horrified and bored and wondering where she is.
Manscaper Barbie tells the whole house that “the Lord knows better” and that’s why she’s staying and Desperate is going. (And I REALLY hope she’s right.)
Cut to Desperate Barbie getting her one-on-one time with Brad…hiking up your dress is SO AWESOME, Desperate. And HOT! Do it more often. Or wear a push-up bra, or a dress that fits. Either one.
She starts to tell Brad the drama that’s going on, and Chef says “Omigod. Is this SERIOUSLY HOW SHE IS SPENDING HER ONE-ON-ONE TIME?” and I love him that much more for paying attention to this show.
The girls run out on the terrace en masse to watch Desperate have her time with Brad while she’s crying and she says she’s being targeted, and that Manscaper is attacking her…he’s being REALLY nice about it, but keeps looking away.
She babbles about onions and peppers on her pizzas, and then goes right back to bitching about Manscaper and crying.
Brad goes hunting for Manscaper, and tries to comfort her and she starts tearing up (big fat alligator tears. I’m super impressed.) and says she’s having “technical difficulties” with Desperate.
Host Man comes in, and says he’s bringing in Ali and Roberto (from a prior season of the Bachelorette) to help him decide if they’re there for the right reasons. And that there’s a rose in it for one girl.
Brad basically tells Ali and Roberto “HELP ME WITH THESE CRAZY BITCHES” and sends them off to weed out the crazies.
Virgin Barbie explains to those of us just joining the program how the rose and Ali & Roberto goes…while Funeral Barbie adds to it.
Birthday Barbie goes first, and guess what? TELLS THEM IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY. Then there’s a montage of the rest of the girls that gores by too fast.
Until Manscaper is bitching (while I see Desperate Barbie is wearing a ring on her wedding finger?) and then it’s Desperate’s turn with A & R. Where she cries and tells them how horrible things are for her.
Then Virgin Barbie has her turn, and talks about the drama. Ali looks annoyed, while Roberto looks totally amused.
Finally all of the interviews end, and Brad comes back and begs Ali & Roberto for help.
Ungrateful Barbie appears to be wearing a camouflage dress, and looks like she’s about to steal the rose….and gets it anyway. Smart man.
I hate that he asks them if they’ll accept the rose, because I’m fairly sure that no one has said “no” yet. Just say “Here’s the rose!” and then go on with it.
And FINALLY, we’re at the rose ceremony. Host Man tells them that three of them are going home tonight, and I am hoping it’s none of the girls I’ve already named…
Brad gives some sappy speech about how awesome they all are…and then the roses.
Roses go to:
- Funeral Barbie
- Sarah (does she have a Barbie name yet??)
- Virgin Barbie
- Secretary Barbie
- Bitter Barbie
- Vampire Barbie
- Chef Barbie
- Elementary Barbie
Final rose, Host Man comes in to let them know in case none of them can count. (my in-laws are watching to see who goes home now…I’ve got my whole house involved. Awesome.)
Final Rose goes to Britt, and I’m so shocked….good for him for sending the criers home!! Buh-bye to Desperate and Manscaper…and Rockette Barbie😦 I actually really liked her.
She says she’s meant to be alone, and this was a last ditch effort, and I actually feel horrible for her. Can they bring her back for another season? She’s so cute!
Desperate Barbie goes out bitching and crying…but Manscaper goes out saying she shouldn’t have been eliminated. And Desperate is stupid.
The other girls look highly amused as they toast Brad and the fact that they’re not leaving.
I’m going to have to edit the hell out of this at a time where I’m not drunk and tired…..good night!